House vs. Home

I hate this place. The house is too messy. Its corners carry remnants of the past, heavy burdens that I can’t bear to throw out due to old yet diminishing value. The chaos is bundled into a small three bedroom house in the middle of no where. 

I love this place. Home consists of a loving family and a place to sleep, eat, and bathe. I love coming back and listening to my mother wash the dishes and my father watch television. The murmur of sounds and voices are a subtle reminder of the home that is still very much alive.

I hate this place. In the house, all I want to do is lie down on my bed and think about things. Things that are going wrong, like my brother’s hospitalization. Things in my life that I want but are far from reach, like employment after graduation. Things that need sacrifice and work, like happiness in the future. Things in the past that come back to visit. Things in the future that haunt me. Things, overthinking things, all in the space of this house, a subtle reminder that things are far from easy.

I love this place. Smells of lumpia and pancit linger in the air. Home is where the food is. It is comfort after a long day, a long week, a long quarter, a long year. Food and home fill my stomach with warmth and happiness.

I hate this place and I want to leave.

I love this place and I will come back. 

Motifs of Life: A 2015 Reflection

I fail at fulfilling New Year’s Resolutions, like majority of people. The hope of a new year pushes us to make goals and carry them out, but for some reason, we end up losing sight of those goals after barely 2-3 weeks into the year. They’re inconstant and inconsistent with the bigger scope of our lives.

There are things in our lives, however, that remain constant. The constant motifs of life, as I like to call them (because English major). They’re not things we consciously seek out; rather, they are the pieces of ourselves that make up who we are, that never fail to leave us, no matter how many times we try to leave them.

Looking back on this year, and the years before, I feel that a common motif in my life is flight. It’s kind of funny because I joined a dance team called “Take Off” earlier this year and I wrote and directed a short film called “Jet Lag” last year. Seems only fitting, right?

But actually, flight resonates with me on many different levels. It suggests wanderlust, a desire to travel, which is something I love and aspire to do in the future. It suggests escape, something that happened once I graduated from high school, and happened again when I started college. It suggests loneliness, because many times I had to flee from places that made me feel alone, only to realize that I had to comfort myself with my own loneliness in order to feel better.

Flight has appeared many times this year, even though I didn’t physically get on a plane. I had to mentally escape from the intense amounts of stress I felt over the summer and Fall quarter. I had to fly out of my comfort zone when it came to performing on stage, whether it was as a dancer, a singer, or an actor. I flew away from problems with broken wings, but I always returned with better strength and motivation.

Now here I am, waiting for the 2016 to come, a year where I’m expected to graduate in the Spring and fly off into the world of employment and job hunting all while still figuring out what it is I’m supposed to be doing with this life God has given me.

What does it all mean, these motifs in our lives? To be honest, I’m not so sure. But if this motif occurred last year and the years before that, and reappeared this year, I’m pretty sure that it will pop up sometime next year. It's inevitable. And I can’t wait to see how this motif will develop and branch out into other motifs next year and years to come.

I don’t believe in New Year resolutions. But I believe that the New Year is the perfect opportunity to reflect on not just this year, but in past years. I don’t believe in setting goals for just this one time of the year, I believe in setting goals year round. I don’t believe in putting efforts to improve myself once the New Year kicks in, I believe in trying to improve myself constantly, every day. And with the acknowledgment of this common motif in my life, I hope to use it to my own advantage and make the most out of it for next year.

Happy New Year everyone!

Arizona: A Grand Road Trip

Out of a whim, my mom and I packed a few of our belongings into my Corolla and we drove for 5 hours east to Gilbert, Arizona from our humble hometown of San Bernardino, California to visit family. The drive didn't feel that long since we ate, talked about life, and admired the views on the way, which soon became just plain desert about 2 hours into the drive. Nevertheless, we arrived to Gilbert, and the first location we went to the day after was Sedona!

Sedona has beautiful cacti and red sandstones, and the town itself is very quaint and ranch-like. I immediately felt like I was in Cars Land back in Disney's California Adventures as I was cruising in my Corolla. One of the things we tried in Sedona was  prickly pear ice cream! Unfortunately it wasn't the bright purple color like I saw in pictures, but it was still pretty tasty!

Of course, our Arizona road trip would not have been complete without a trip to the Grand Canyon!

On our 4 hour trip from Gilbert to the Grand Canyon, we ran into some snow! It was refreshing to see snow cover the desert landscape, almost as if we were in the countryside.

The views of the Grand Canyon were beyond words. The picturesque sunset behind the Grand Canyon definitely made the freezing 20 degree weather afterwards worth it.

I would advise trying to go to the Grand Canyon as early as possible. My mom and I barely made it two hours before the sunset, but I wish we had gone sooner to go around the South Rim to get as many photo ops as possible. There are also a lot of opportunities to hike, which I was unable to do due to my mom's aching legs.

Oh well, guess I'll have to come visit you again soon, Arizona! :) 

Broad Adventures

Kicked off the first day of my winter break by spending it at The Broad museum. Here are some of my favorite art pieces.

Productive Procrastination #2

The State of the World Hits Close to Home

• "My city has become a hashtag."
• "On days like today, I do not care about your ideology...I don't want my stomach in knots every time my fiancé takes the subway to work. I don't want people I love to die."

Tips and Tricks on Finals

• The all-nighter. It’s kind of a rite of passage for college students
• Listening to music scores gets me in the study mode (will open to Spotify)

And also...some destressing

• Puppies learning things for the first time
• This puppyhood video will make you squeal from the cuteness.
• Because Samahang Modern won the Social Media contest and they're shaking their tailfeathers at the Bridge Dance Competition tonight...and because dance is pretty much life.

Productive Procrastination #1

This is San Bernardino, my hometown.

In my attempt to starting posting more regularly, here's a compilation of links and videos from the internet I've been drawn to this past week. Productively procrastinate at your leisure, friends! :)

Links To Articles That Have Caught My Eye This Week

• "I want to feel whole. I want to be my own rock, my own anchor, my own soulmate."
• "There are people in San Bernardino who work tirelessly to resurrect the city for the next generations."
• "On Friday night you stole the life of an exceptional being, the love of my life, the mother of my son, but you won't have my hatred."
• 5 things to get you on the road to success

Videos That Have Touched My Soul In Some Way

• An Immigrant Story that many people of color can understand
• Us the Duo can make harmony angel babies with their voices
• Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself" complemented with dancing from Keone and Mari Madrid? Yes please.
• Also yes Justin Bieber, "Life Is [Definitely] Worth Living" thanks to this beautiful dance music video.

Count Your Blessings

PC: Julian Khaymovich

Another Thanksgiving has passed and a new holiday season is beginning. This Fall quarter has been one of my most stressful academic quarters, but in the midst of everything, I'm very happy and blessed to have the capability and the capacity to handle all these things that life has thrown at me.

It seems only fitting that I use this Thanksgiving break to reflect on things that are occurring in my life now, and the things that have been done in the past to get me where I am today.

I feel like I try so hard to not let my past get to me, but sometimes it slips through the cracks and decides to nestle up in the corners of my present mind, waiting for me to pet it, embrace it, be conscious of it. Sometimes I do, and it leaves me feeling scared of what is going to happen in the future, let alone my present. I think that fear is understandable though. I mean, next year, I will be graduating in the Spring and experiencing the wonders--and terrors--of post-grad life. And while the idea of finally leaving the education system for a while thrills me, it also haunts me at the same time. I don't want my past self to be part of something so important to me as my future.

Maybe my tendency to pay keen attention to my past sometimes is a result of failing to count my blessings. So I'm grateful that we have a day specifically made for giving thanks to the people and to the wonderful things we have in our lives today, and of course, allowing us to count our blessings.

In a nutshell, I'm blessed to have a loving family. I'm blessed with supportive friends that are down to hang out and have adventures. I'm blessed with people who still want to stay in my life, and with people that have had to leave my life, but have still left a positive mark on me regardless. I'm blessed to be going to a top ranking university in one of the most culturally rich and beautiful cities in the country.

It's these blessings that allow me to keep moving forward with life, despite the struggles and the stress.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving holiday breaks! Keep pushing through!